It doesn’t have to be so serious.
A partner and I were having morning sex, still a little sleepy and foggy from the night before, and we were in a goofy mood. We’d been friends for years and had only become lovers recently, and that foundation we’d built made everything feel so cozy and fun. We were constantly joking around and making everything into something hilarious — even during sex.
That morning, as we explored each other’s bodies, we couldn’t help but make jokes and tease each other here and there too. We were in the middle of sex when suddenly, he said the funniest thing. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but as soon as he said it we both burst out laughing — and we laughed so hard he actually fell out of me.
We kept laughing and laughing, and then picked up right where we left off. It wasn’t a big deal and it didn’t ruin the mood at all. In fact, it made the sex even better. Being silly during sex actually made us feel closer to each other.
That’s because sex doesn’t have to be such a serious thing.
You should be able to laugh and talk with your partner during sex. You don’t have to; sometimes the sex is so passionate and you’re so swept away by the moment, there just isn’t time. If there’s some casual goofiness though, you shouldn’t shy away from it. It shouldn’t be capable of ruining the mood. If it is, that might be a sign that you’re taking things too seriously rather than relaxing into your relationship.
Sex is supposed to be fun. The movies often portray sex as this overly passionate, very serious kind of thing, but that’s not always real life. Sometimes it’s awkward and clumsy trying to switch positions and someone falls over. Sometimes our body makes weird sounds at the worst times. Sometimes someone says something they think is embarrassing in the heat of the moment.
Things aren’t always going to go smoothly. It’s important that we’re able to laugh in those moments, rather than being offended or annoyed. That will only cause tension between us and our partners, and it’s just not necessary. Sex is never perfect. If we lean into that idea, we open ourselves up to have way more fun in bed, and who doesn’t want that?
One of my partners and I have recently fallen into a fantastic routine. Whenever he comes over, we sit and catch up for a bit, and as we’re catching up, we slowly segue into taking off our clothes and being intimate with each other. As we’re getting into it, we’re still talking and joking around — even during things like giving head.
I don’t think you can really know true intimacy until you’ve cracked up while your partner is in your mouth. Too much information? Maybe. Fantastic and silly and relaxed and what sex with someone you care about should be? Absolutely.
I’ve told someone all about my day while pleasuring them. I’ve cracked jokes while someone is inside me. I once finished having sex with someone and was kneeling next to him, and he suddenly reached up, put his hand on my face, and said, “I was nothing before I put on the mask.” And that’s the kind of sex I love.
I absolutely adore sex but I’ve never taken it too seriously. When you really care about someone and everything is safe and consensual, there shouldn’t be very much that could happen during sex that would immediately turn you off.
If you’re super on edge the entire time you’re having sex and unable to laugh and relax, then that’s probably something worth exploring. I’m telling you, you deserve happy, laughter-inducing sex. Trust me.
If you’re someone that has always viewed sex as a super serious thing, that’s ok. If that’s how you prefer to keep things, that’s ok. Just know that it doesn’t have to be that way.
The next time you’re about to have sex, take a few deep breaths and smile. Accept that things could go wrong. Accept that things might not go exactly as expected. Let go of any notions of how sex is “supposed to be” and try your best to relax. Listen to your partner, listen to yourself, and just go with it.