Helpful tips for helping her get in the mood
It really grinds my gears the way women are talked about on health and sex blogs, or even in big named magazines like Cosmo or Glamour. I don’t mean to be nitpicky, but there’s so much said between the lines on all of these sites as they say things without saying them. Sometimes, it’s what’s not said that stands out like a sore and pitifully recognizable thumb.
One place where this is rather common is conversations about women becoming aroused and getting wet. Take this article by Glamour, for instance, where the conversation is so focused on underlying health conditions they just assume that for women, being wet is the default state. As if we women just walk around soaking everything all the time like a slug leaving a moist trail behind us everywhere we scurry about.
They list twelve possible causes for not getting wet. Not one of them has to do with improper stimulation or arousal techniques. We get things listed like having an autoimmune disorder, smoking cigarettes, breastfeeding, having too much stress, and finally, the last and silliest one of all, your sex drive is low.
Notice all of these are low-key made out to be the woman’s fault?
But what about our partners? Can’t they be getting it wrong, too? I know they can and I know they can because I’ve had a lot of them get it wrong and a few of them get it right.
My boyfriend and I have a loving relationship. Even after a few years, and we’re still undeniably attracted to one another. We laugh at each other’s jokes, we cuddle one another deep into the late night as we scan through the selections of shows and movies on Netflix pretending we’re going to select something, but somehow, rarely managing to. Safe to say, if there ever was a long-term relationship that went well for me, this is it. I don’t mean to gloat, but I definitely scored a keeper this time around.
My job is in a field that’s deemed essential so yes, I still have to work through this pandemic. What a joy (read: sarcasm). I came home from work recently to my awaiting boyfriend and had been flirting all day, dallying back and forth with our usual banter in whatever free moments we found between the mundane and dull tasks of the day. You’ve got to keep life interesting, right?
We entered the bedroom and began to clutch one another, pulling off a hair twirling kiss. He caressed my ribs from my armpits down to my hips and then placed his open palm on my thigh. We continued kissing passionately as he undressed me, removing my clothes article-by-article.
Next thing I knew, I was in my bra and panties and laid flat on my back as he looked down from above me with intent eyes. He slowly slipped my underwear down my thighs, passed my knees, down to my ankles and eventually off me completely. I was so turned on. I was ready for some hot sex.
My vagina wasn’t cooperating. It was dry like it normally is.
I remember the days when I used to feel shame over this. I used to rack myself with guilt and would wonder what’s wrong with myself. Looking at the articles I mentioned above, I can see how easily it was for me to feel this. The blame is placed on the woman entirely. But I didn’t get guilty this time.
Now I understand that it’s just how my body works. I know that “wetness” is no sign of how turned on I am. It’s just an aid in the sexual process.
My boyfriend laid me back further onto the bed and pushed my legs into the air. He caressed me a bit longer teasing me, not quite diving into foreplay just yet. He rubbed my inner thighs, the outside of my vagina and my vulva, he kissed my breasts gently, and he whispered into my ear what he was going to do to me.
Within minutes, I was ready to go. My vagina was cooperating and all.
That’s all it took was for us to stop rushing and sit back and take our time and work with it before trying to force sex that was still premature. And we ended up having great sex. It was smooth and so arousing. I climaxed three separate times and he dove down to go down on me, only coming up for air and to tell me how much he loved my taste and smell.
The moral of the story is, if a woman isn’t wet, it’s not anybody’s fault, but there are things you can do to try to make it happen down there. Soft kissing, touching, and most of all teasing, are all very important elements to the totality of a sex session. So many men have tried to just barrel past this part and then have gotten butthurt when I wasn’t wet to their liking. They didn’t care to understand me, they only cared about their own egos and how bad they felt feeling like a failure who couldn’t turn a woman on.
But…they didn’t even try…
So yes, while those twelve reasons why a woman isn’t getting wet from Glamour might be true for some people, I think there’s an overwhelming about of women having sex with men, right now, today, who just aren’t being stimulated properly. The solution is to ask what she wants.
Gentlemen, she’ll be more than happy to tell you if you ask her what she desires and how she likes to be touched in order to get her aroused in earnest. Be prepared for a non-sexual answer, too. If you’re expecting to hear that we want a toy shoved in our dry butts in order to arouse us, safe to say it’s a very rare woman who feels that way.
Vaginas are intricate, beautiful things and they should be respected. But the man who respects the vagina he’s with can master it and that’s how you become a great sex partner.
And that, in turn, says a lot about what you’re relationship is like. Think: what does it say about your relationship when your partner won’t even take a few minutes (or seconds) to make sure you’re sufficiently comfortable for sex? What does it say about how that person views women? Do you think that person believes women are more of an object for their own pleasure alone, or a subject that they desire to please, or somewhere in the middle?
Looking back on my sex and relationships history, I see a lot of men who wouldn’t even take five minutes to give me the attention that I now realize I deserved all along. How young I was! Now, I can finally be thankful that I claimed my womanhood and found someone who respects it.