If you truly care about making a woman come, you shouldn’t just fuck her and hope for the best.
When people find out I write about sex and manage my own publication dedicated to Sex Education and Sexuality, they react differently. Some get really surprised and excited and ask a lot of questions about my work and things I get to see and read about, others, on the other hand, get worried because suddenly, they don’t know what to expect from having sex with me.
Back in January, when I brought home a guy I went on a few dates with, he frequently asked me whether or not I’m going to write about him and our sex in my articles.
‘Depends on the sex’, I said back then, trying to make a joke. Needless to say, after a few attempts, we never managed to actually have it.
Having sex with someone who’s openly writing about sex might seem intimidating. However, it doesn’t make me better at sex itself. Without communication, certain physical connection that might never even occur during casual sex, or your state of mind, sex can be bad or good whether you’re a porn star or a virgin.
Thus, I never label anyone as bad when it comes to sex or kisses because we might simply not be that compatible — or sober enough to perform our best.
But when it comes to casual sex where you don’t know each other that well, I keep noticing or hearing about the same mistakes or patterns that most men, younger and older, continue doing in bed with their new partners.
Treating every woman the same way
I once wrote about the only important advice when it comes to blowjobs — communicating and understanding that men are different and there’s no unique technics or a single thing you can do that would work on every partner with no exception. And as you probably know, the same advice applies to women just as much.
It doesn’t come as a surprise that no woman is the same when it comes to sex. What turns on one woman might be taboo for another just like what worked on your ex-partner doesn’t necessarily have to work with someone one.
Still, some men still prefer to go with techniques that worked before in order to satisfy other women with completely different physiology and needs.
I’ve been with men who are fantastic at oral sex but never in my life a guy could make me feel anything while using their hand. But, for some reason, a lot of men think that it’s one of the most important parts of sex just because some women can’t come from penetration itself without simultaneous stimulation.
Personally, it’s a distraction for me and when I have sex with a new partner, 9 out of 10 times I have to manually remove their hand when they try to stimulate my clitoris. They go all-in with full confidence, either being too rough or too tender, and then get upset when they don’t see the reaction they expected even though I tell them it’s simply not something I need.
Of course, you don’t always have time or the right setting to stop and talk about your needs in the middle of sex. But some people keep being pushy and expect you to come just as it is.
Remember that different women like being touched differently and make sure to ask whether she likes what you’re doing down there without getting offended. Nobody is going to know how to please every clit in the world, but listening to the feedback and the response of someone’s body is something that doesn’t take that much effort but leaves both of you happy.
Treating anal sex like regular sex
I’m not sure whether anal sex is still a taboo in Russia, but whenever I talk to Russian men about it, I often see some sort of surprise on their faces. Whether they never tried it or tried it just once, anal sex isn’t something most men seem to be educated or sometimes even excited about.
Though I see many articles about anal sex here on Medium, it seems like the word anal makes people on the Russian side of the internet uncomfortable.
Just a few weeks ago a sex educator in Russia wrote an Instagram post about anal sex where they received a fair share of negative comments as if anal sex was something we shouldn’t engage in unless we’re sluts who’re trying to impress someone with one of those cheap things decent women don’t need to think about. I mean, isn’t the definition of patriarchy is “sex is disgusting unless men want it?”
That brings us to the main problem. We want to have anal sex and are curious about it but have no reliable sources to educate ourselves about it in order to actually succeed and not hurt our partner, by trying to switch from regular sex to anal without any preparation, or signal, or other things that traumatized my butt for at least two days not a long time ago.
Quantity over quality
The female orgasm is a truly distinctive and fragile phenomenon where only a woman can control and know for a fact whether or not she’ll be able to come at a certain time.
For some reason, some people think that great sex and female orgasm are determined by duration. There were times where a guy who knew my body well and was good at communication could often make me come within minutes. However, some men prefer to go on for hours not acknowledging that it might leave us sore.
Sometimes a woman can be really close and just lose it knowing it would take too much effort to get it back, sometimes she just doesn’t feel relaxed and turned on enough to actually come which also doesn’t mean she can’t enjoy the process itself.
Based on that, it is never the duration of sex that makes it truly great.
As you can see, regardless of your gender (I could easily write the exact same article about women), it all comes down to communication. If you truly care about making a woman come, you shouldn’t just fuck her and hope for the best. Even during casual sex, it wouldn’t hurt talking to each other about your preferences and needs.
While I encourage men to pay individual attention to every woman they have sex with, I think it’s important that we, women, also initiate those conversations and not keep ourselves silent unless someone asks us what we think.
I know that it’s not always easy, but listening to each other is still something we all can do to make this wonderful experience pleasurable for everyone.